Michael and Melanie already know me well enough to check out my expression at this point and laugh at me.
We spend the morning cross-country skiing across the frozen lake and axe-throwing at a wooden target, without much success at either. Boxed huskies arrive by lorry, creamy white with moist pink noses like rubber. These are not our huskies, but we watch as they're taken from their crates and harnessed, whining with eagerness, to the sled. We pet them and they tangle themselves up in a frenzy, slobbering and scrabbling. Then we're asked to stand aside and they streak off across the snow, all barking and playing ceased, intent on running.
"So," says Lotte - her favourite word - "these are dogs!"
In the afternoon we visit the Ice Hotel, 'the world's only minus-5 star hotel'. It's just as crazy and magical as you can imagine, if not a little more so, and knowing that it's constructed annually by blowing up an enormous balloon and packing the patented mixture of snow and ice - 'snice', of course - around it only adds to the mystique.
The basic bedrooms would give me screaming claustrophobia in five minutes, but I'd be prepared to brave the cold to sleep in one of the luxury suites (lying on reindeer skins, in a special sleeping-bag). Each is designed by a different artist; some have hefty chunks of ice sculpture lit from within, others delicate traceries worked on thin sheets of ice.
'Greenlandic Story', a fairytale room with the bed forming part of an ice sledge, was my favourite, but I rather liked this one too.
If you've known me a long time, you might well be aware of my views on marriage: 'you don't need a fancy ceremony to prove that you love each other' if I'm in a good mood, 'it's all a bunch of arse really' if I'm in a bitter one. However, I rescind this totally if I can get married here, please:
Having seen several impossible things, we rounded it off with a drink at the Icebar. I enjoyed my Absolut Wolfpaw from an ice glass, which I then tried to eat so that none of the vodka might be wasted.
Moose for dinner.
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